Boiling over

My post the other day came at an emotional breaking point. My thoughts were tumbling one over the other and some of the other blogs I keep up with helped heighten that.. I'm embarrassed I posted those feelings but I think it's a learning experience, so it'll stay. I don't want this blog to get off track from what it's supposed to be or supposed to be about, so perhaps.. now in retrospect of the other days post... I can get this mini train wreck back on the road. This blog won't really make sense to anyone else reading unless they are me or my owner. But I feel it needs to be said, closure to all the stuff leading up to the post from the other day.

We spoke yesterday, about how every time you come online and I am here, I am instantly excited, happy, overwhelmed with desire. At first I told you I felt like it likened me to a golden retriever or the like, but then I took time to really think about this for a moment. It's not quite that.... for me, every time you come online and I am already here, my mind rekindles several moments, feelings and sensations. if I close my eyes now I can relive them yet again, so that's what I'll do, I'll close my eyes and just type, reliving those moments for you.... because for some profound reason.... I just really want you to see what I see, know what I think and feel in those first thirty seconds before I even message you to say hello.

- First is a scene of a girl chained and on her knee's in a basement. Though she played standoffish, refusing to acknowledge; the truth is that she was scared she would be left alone yet again. To afraid to let go and just feel. Days, maybe a week later.... pulled across your lap for the very first time, thighs straddled your waist and though this could be described as lewd in so many ways... it was a melting point. The opening of those thighs even in a non sexual way was the slip of when you'd first eased your way into my heart. To be joined so tightly to you, to feel the very first claim of your lips upon my own, your fingers stroked my neck, newly encased in the collar you allowed me to wear. Up to this point, it had been in my head, a collar that another girl had worn, though whether that was true or not I'll never know..... that point has ceased to have any meaning to me now.  The inscription inside the black metal, the word that touches the sleek column of my throat.... do you remember what you told me it said? Admittedly I had forgotten at some point in this past year, but oddly when I was able to come back online again, the memory was clear as day and I know what it says, as if that evening a year ago was just yesterday.

This scene is the first to come to mind, it plays over in a matter of seconds, rolling into the second most prominent thing that always pops to mind.

Second..... this is a mish mash. a couple of things that has themselves together, cause my breath to hitch just a little behind the scenes. You strapping a belt upon me, over my hips. I won't go into the particulars of what kind of belt, only that it was made of black leather. I'm sure you know the one I mean. The intimacy and practicality of the act are at such stark contrasts. Of all the spoken and unspoken, it was a moment of trust and understanding between us, a time to show you my total devotion by listening, doing and following. I questioned nothing, I still don't and I have a feeling I never will. We traveled, it was a different experience to be sure and this is where the mish mash comes in..... Because the timing sequence is bits and pieces from all over the place. A series of sexual scenes come to mind.

- Laughing, so hard tears come to my eyes as you stormed Normandy and we took down Pearl Harbor as well as a few Trekkie Starships. It was so intense.... yet funny at the same time. I have no idea how it could be intense but it was.

- My back up against the bark of a tree, your fingers ringed closed around the front of my collar and me.. in real life so glued to the screen that my roast I was cooking in real life went fifteen minutes over what it should have. It was still edible, still very delicious... but you know me. I time things for my family so that they are in a state of perfection.

-Next comes back a bit, to when I finally ate a piece of meat from the toe of your boot in that basement, Or maybe it was bread; but for some reason I keep thinking there was gravy and my tongue lavished at that? While this alone may not seem sexual or in the least to you.... It was a moment of utter awakening sexuality to me. Just as it was when we were up in that yard and you pulled me into your lap that first time and I begged to kiss you.

- This may not make sense.... but the time I was having a really bad day.. I asked you to type something to make me feel. You blew me away. kissed me so profoundly, pulling me up by that collar about my throat, from that place where I was on my knees at your feet where I am just about every day even though real life has us off doing much other things, saving the world of pizza eaters and technically challenged in one swoop.

- Finding a way to be there, to be online when you sparred. Though I could say and do little if anything. It was a tremendous rush to be there, to be in the stands watching you, for people to see you there and to see the man that owned me. To see me there too and to know how much I utterly belonged to you. A totality of a slave so in need to be owned by this one man more then anything she's ever known in near a decade of Gor. It had my breath catching in my throat, if I could of I would have begged to be used right then after it all.

-Last but not least..... admitting to you I had grown to love you in my weird cyber land way..... I was so scared, so nervous you would reject me. This was a moment of the heart.... but as such things have a profound effect, I remember clearly that my panties were wet at the same time. Something about the fear mixed in with the admittance. 

These are the things I always get in those first 30 seconds.... sometimes more, never less. Just the thoughts that flash into mind, just the tid bits every time when I'm already here and happen to catch you log online. it's such a rush of welling emotion in that moment, that it must be the reason why I get so excited, so hyper and happy to see you. At least that's the only reason I can come up with to ration out the -why- I get so excited. women, no one can claim we're rational creatures all the time, right?

I'm not perfect.... but I've seen enough of those perfect girls to know they never really last anyway. Burning out both themselves and their owners within a matter of months. it's now officially been over a year and I'd never take a moment of it back. Not a single one. This has been such an incredible journey for me and I hope for you as well. You are an inspiration to me; and even though I'm pretty good at keeping both feet on the ground.... I'm glad I have my moments with you, where in those few minutes or hours I can just let go. Maybe one day I'll let go of my insecurities, heck with your help just maybe I will. 

Aggravation

How incredibly trapped my fears have me. Expressing what I feel is a massive portion in my sense of self..... online. I feel like I need to find that place that was ok with myself having this medium to express submission while I continue to hold the reigns in reality.

I'm angry that I can't talk to Mr. Reality about this, I'm too scared of his judgement on me.... Hell I'm angry that I've admitted as much to Mr. Online.

I'm no freaking Batman... so why do my fears have me living an online secret identity?

Where, when, what, how and who

When it's all said and done... how far will I take my fantsy and how far will it take me?

I've been in a position of too deep before, I'm careful.. very careful to not let myself sink so deep now a days. I wonder, does that hold me back from the things I want to experience? Personally, holding back seems like the responsible thing.. cause really.... yeah.

Do I rely on this fantasy so that I don't inevitably have to face my fears in reality or the profound loss I feel from not getting a few aspects of it in my real daily life?

I'm frustrated.. the one in reality, he doesn't see what I want or need. Hell he doesn't even see me, just what he wants to see. Then... there is the fantasy.... as fantasy's go.. he's perfect. Hell as reality goes he's pretty wonderful too.... and he let's me have that scrap of wall that I need, that piece of something so that I hold back from feeling 'all fantasy' and insteadk carry with me a secret piece of fantasy so that life with Mr. Reality and me pretending to be vanilla; is bearable.

Move me...

So.. You.... You're reading now... It makes me nervous. What will you see in this, what will you think about it and me.

On with today's post. So I've been working with another Master, a long known man in Gor, he trains slaves. I'm taking to heart my want, to be a more beautiful slave. With my Master's permission, he's putting me through my paces. For those new to Gor, or having no idea what this means.... well it means he is roleplaying with me. Checking, correcting and making me improve my positions, my knowledge of them and essentially... helping me shake off this rust I feel in the clarity, the simplicity and yet still being descriptive enough to be beautiful.


Walking:

One step before another, hips flared from side to side, my entire body moved in a wave, starting from the joints of my hips, ass swaying from side to side; breasts jiggled with the movement, hidden ever so slight beneath diaphanous satin of a light creamy hue. Turning upon the balls of my feet. Crimson mane, soft as silken ribbons, tickled as it'd teased about the flesh of my shoulders and cascaded down my back.

Nadu - Thentis:

I moved forth into the room, sculpted curve to my calves accentuated as I came to a stop and fluidly melted into a kneel within the center of the work space. Fingertips flitted ever so slight, out to the sides of my hips in keeping balance as my knee found the floor. My body undulated with the flirting grace as back bowed into delicate arch, swell of ass settling to my heels. My chin lifted, petite features upturned in proud tilting display of the collar about my throat. Glass green hues took in the sight of the floor before my knees even as they parted, thighs yawning into an aching V. Arms lifting to sink behind me, one after the other, wrists latticed and resting at the small of my back.

Submission:

I shifted, wrists releasing from their sanctuary at the Lowest point in the V of my back. Rising, two lithe limbs, placed before me and extending. My chin dropping, sculpted features nearly touching to my chest as my head bows in subjugation between my arms. Once my my wrists crossed, this time ahead of me. Stilling baited breath I blinked the image that rang to mind every time I committed this pose; a memory of standing before me awaiting the inevitable.

Crawl:

Pushing up, out from my haunches. Arms dropped, easy, palms placed to the floor as I leaned forward with the movement, my elbows too dropping down once I stretched out to petite lengths. Hips dipped one side and then the other with the movement, Ass swinging; breasts feeling plump and heavy the way they swung beneath me. Captured in a kiss by that satin fabric wrapped scantily about me. I moved in drawling fashion, my face just an inch away from the floor I crossed, finding a pair of his boots there.... in a corner.. I stopped just short of touching the toe of those boots, his boots..... Oh how I was sure he laughed to himself if and when he recalled my refusal and that crust of bread in those first days.

I have a lot more confidence today then the other day when I originally posted kneel. I think I am becoming more able to convey, in less words, a still beautiful description with accuracy. It's a different concept in writing for me.. I usually write a very large paragraph; that makes this a huge challenge.

Old dog, new tricks?

So I was recently talking with a free man friend of mine. I've known him through role play for many years. One of the things I'd expressed to him was that I feared I'm a little more then just rusty and felt like I used to be a pretty darn good slave and wanted to impress my owner with my 'return' to role play.

He asked me if I wanted to know a tip to seducing a man. Of course I said YES! and jumped at the opportunity to learn something new and hopefully be a better slave.

Now, I won't disclose that tip here. But I will practice a few poses using that tip from him and see how it feels, looking back at them in a few days as well as share this entry with him to get his input. I've tried one pose so far. It was harder then I thought, changing up my writing style and I'm fearing that maybe I'm over thinking it, so I'll post this pose, then read it, step back and think about it, go about my morning and then perhaps come back after a little time way and see if taking my mind off of this task makes it easier to sit down, type it out and just "do" it.



Pose One - Nadu:

Fingertips splayed, splashed over the soft lines of my belly, drizzling down my hips as my thighs parted and my knee’s met the hard contour of the floor. Breathless gasp escaping the delicate column of my throat from the momentum’s thrust of the movement. Smooth round gripable curve of ass, cradled within heels, my hands rubbed up and down the toned expanse of my thighs. Fingertips slipping and sliding up and down a few moments before coming to rest delicately upon tender flesh of my lap and my back curved into a near dangerous bow; offered up upon proverbial platter, breast and heart of a mere beast before man. Pale green hues pooled to rest upon your feet in subjugation even as my chin lifted, face tipped up and my tongues tip darted out between parted lips to slide quickly over the lower to moisten the tier should I be commanded to speak. Framed in those dangerously soft, red locks that fell from the crown of my head to spill about my shoulders, tickle at my breast and tease it’s path down my back.

Wants verses needs

So am I just now figuring it out? Or how about starting to figure it out? Maybe I've got it all wrong still?

I crave you today. I think it's because I'm suddenly able to be here now when we went for months with minimal contact.

I want to touch you.... to beg to touch you... to beg you to touch me. Saturday was a heady reunion, a reminder that it was you that claimed me. My insecurity leaves me to not want to tell you these things now. Especially since I know your busy.

I want to be that moment of relaxation, that breath of air between all of your life stresses. I want each moment you touch me to taste so sweet that you come back again and again.... even if means I wait in anticipation. Anticipation for things I only get to feel on a computer screen.

~ your animal

What's in a name?

I was speaking with another slave earlier. We were speaking about names and it got me to thinking about my own past attachment to the names I've had.

My name has been changed a few times in the course of my online life and though I never complained, there was one I hated.

I can't say it's something I don't care about..... I'd probably cry if my name was changed to cuntface or asslick. But all in all, over time it's become something I'm not super worried about either.

I think I'll take some time to research through the novels to reacquaint myself with all the reasons men change a slaves name.